


Untitled Castiel Angst Cause I Don't Do Titles

by santasfes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is dead, Gen, It's implied Destiel, M/M, Sam is alone, Sam is mentioned, cas is upset, i dunno what season this is set in, im shutting up now, it doesn't matter either way, it isn't actually that sad, it's after season 4 though, it's fun times, not enough for it to matter, probably before season like 8, there's no spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-20 14:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22019089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/santasfes/pseuds/santasfes
Summary: Cas' thoughts were interrupted when he heard the familiar purr of a car pulling up at the cemetery's entrance. Cas knew who that would be without even looking up. It was the impala. Cas didn't want Sam knowing he was here, so he only had a few moments to say his goodbyes to his friend. He knew Dean wouldn't want him being sad so he tried to offer the best smile he could as he whispered a quiet "Goodbye, Dean" and disappeared.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Untitled Castiel Angst Cause I Don't Do Titles

Castiel loomed over the stone like the heaviness looming over his heart. He decided to come at night, at least then the darkness could cloud what he did. Not that he could ever forget it, the pain blossoming inside him made sure of that. Besides, he would never let himself forget it. It was his fault and Cas needed to be assured of that.

His head dropped down, his neck too tired to support it anymore. It was quiet. Peaceful, even. Cas couldn't help but let out a low, emotionless laugh at that. How could it be so peaceful when Cas felt like he was falling apart? His heart was slowly breaking, piece by piece and yet the world still decided to act like everything was okay. 

The weight of all his pain was becoming too much and his knees buckled as he dropped to the floor. He sat on his knees quietly for a moment, his head bowed to the ground, not bearing to look up. Slowly, the walls he built up began crumbling down and soon he was sobbing, an arm thrown over his mouth to try to muffle his cries.

He stayed like that for a while, crying into the sleeve of his trenchcoat. He was glad no one was around to see him, he felt weak and stupid. If his angel brothers and sisters could see him now he knew they would be disappointed in him. He grew too attached to humans, he knew that. But how could he not? The way their brains worked was fascinating, all the random pieces of knowledge bouncing around, their thoughts ricocheting off the walls of their mind, feelings tangling up in a clump, just waiting to explode with love or anger or fear. The way humans worked was just captivating to the angel and it was moments like these that made him wish he could find them boring.

It was funny, really. Cas never really understood metaphors or ‘figure of speech’ but he thinks he gets it now. Castiel was the black sheep of his family, he always would be and now after this, he would never be accepted back into his family. Or maybe, just maybe this will be what makes them accept him back. What makes them forgive him, which he wouldn't really understand. In Cas’ mind, this was his biggest failure and he didn't know if he could ever bounce back from this. He did the worst thing he could ever do. He let his best friend die.

Best friend. That's something Castiel thought he'd never have. Angels didn't really ever have a best friend. Sure, almost all the angels were friends with each other but that was just because they were family. Or well, they once were all friends and considered each other family, now he wasn't so sure anymore. It wasn't in angels’ nature to have friends anyways, they were just made to fight and serve God, not get attached to anyone or anything. But alas, Cas did get attached. He was attached the moment he saw Dean's soul in Hell. He pulled him out and saved him and now, he was the one to end him.

Of course, Dean would say otherwise. He'd go on a speech telling him it isn't his fault but nothing he could say would make him believe otherwise. But that didn't really matter anyways since he couldn't tell him. Dean would never get to tell him anything again. Cas would never get to appear beside him and frighten him. Would never get to hear him complain about personal space. Would never get to sit on the hood of the impala with him. Would never get to see him. Would never get to…

Castiel didn't realise it was possible but the weight on his heart managed to grow heavier. It was unbearable. He had been through wars and torture but nothing compared to the pain this brought him.

He couldn't stand being here anymore. Couldn't stand being anywhere, really. It was too much. Everything was too much and Cas just wanted to leave. To get out.

He took a deep, shuddering breath as he began to slowly stand. He swayed a little as he stood, exhaustion caused by his tears catching up to him. Angels weren't meant to feel anything but Cas assumed he must have fallen too far already for that to count for him. He finally brought his eyes up to focus fully on what he caused. The headstone stood strong, dirt surrounding the bottom of it. The grave was fresh but he knew the stone wouldn't last very long, cracks already spreading through it. He wished the pain wouldn't either, but this was the kind of pain that wouldn't leave him for a millennial.

Of course, there was no body buried in the grave since they burnt it instead, but they still gave him a grave. Sam had brought the best headstone he could afford and made sure that it was next to their mother's. His name carved into the cold, hard rubble would haunt Cas for the rest of his long, almost immortal life. The whole thing would haunt him for as long as he lived. The image of Dean laying there, lifeless, blood pouring from various wounds in his body was etched into his mind and nothing would ever make it disappear. 

Part of Cas wished it wouldn't disappear. He deserved to remember what he did. All the pain he caused the Winchesters and everyone who knew him. But part of Cas wished he could forget, wished he could leave all this pain behind and pretend he was daddy's good little soldier still and go back to Heaven and act like everything was okay. But he couldn't. He'd never be able to forget Dean. The curve of his smile, the glint in his eyes when he'd laugh, the constant smell of whiskey and gunpowder on his clothes.

Cas' thoughts were interrupted when he heard the familiar purr of a car pulling up at the cemetery's entrance. Cas knew who that would be without even looking up. It was the impala. Cas didn't want Sam knowing he was here, so he only had a few moments to say his goodbyes to his friend. He knew Dean wouldn't want him being sad so he tried to offer the best smile he could as he whispered a quiet "Goodbye, Dean" and disappeared.

**Author's Note:**

> Yo it probably sucked I'm sorry. I swear I can write I'm just failing right now. Please forgive me. I love how I'm meant to be making people want to read my writing but I'm doing the opposite I'm so clever y'all. I'm shutting up now


End file.
